After I decided to separate from my husband because of “ahem” emails that I had found on his computer and an American Express statement with “ahem” purchases on them (a story for another time) I decided to go ahead and just take a looksie on what could possibly be on the good ol Facebook. Ya know? I don’t know what to really say about Facebook, but for a lot of us, it’s a great way to find out the truth about someone, in a round a bout way. Long story short, I found pictures of my “husband” partying in Mexico on a weekend that he was supposed to be “working” in Nogales. Gosh, there are a lot of quotation marks here. I also found a picture of him out at a baseball game with a woman, on a Friday night, that was “ahem” my birthday. He had told me he needed to “check on some jobs.” Ya know, those “night jobs.”
Okay, I will stop with the quotations, but seriously they are really fun. So after having a freak out moment, since I was, still after those emails, trying to hold onto the marriage someway; I finally made my decision that this was not going to work out. Early Sunday morning, conveniently it was Mother’s Day, (ah Mother’s Day, that’s a different story for a different time) I decided to call the one person that was a mutal friend that really stood in the balance between my husband’s married life and his alternate lifestyle.
I was going to divorce him, so I didn’t really care on whose toes I stepped on, I just wanted answers. So I called this friend that I had known through my husband since we had been dating and my world changed. It was possibly the hardest conversation that I think I might have ever had. I started with, “I’m going to divorce him anyway, so you might as well just tell me the truth because you’re not in the middle anymore, because there is no middle.” He went on to tell me that he had been watching for years what my husband had been doing to me as well as a lot of other people in his other world. Some people in his other world figured out over time that he was married and either stayed because he lied about me and they felt bad for him, and the others got away from him.
This friend told me, God bless him he tried to be as kosher as possible, but he said that my husband was not a good person. He said that a lot of people including him knew I was a good woman and didn’t understand why he was doing these things to me and treating me this way as well as my daughter. He said that they felt like I was just another one of his victims. Woo. That…hit..hard. No one wants to be a victim. I don’t want to be a victim. It makes me feel small, and little and discarded and mistreated. But I was. I was, and there wasn’t really anything I could do about it. He said that it started to get so bad that he just couldn’t be around my husband much anymore because he had become more and more open about what he was doing. No remorse, no need or feel to even try to keep it a secret.
Okay, so what exactly was he doing? I mean I get the jist, but what? Well for one, my husband always wanted what he couldn’t have. He would constantly size up all kinds of women and just challenge himself to see if he could have her. He would size other women up against me like I was the standard and then go from there. He would have up to 8 girlfriends at one time including me. No wonder he was so tired all the time, no wonder he was so busy at work. No wonder he was on his phone all…the…time. That’s a lot of women to keep. He would sleep with up to 3 women a day, just going to visit with one, and then schedule with the other one and then the next. That explains the testosterone shots.
My body was getting pretty hot at this point trying to digest all of this. I felt pretty clammy and I started to shake. He said that when he went to Panama, he would have women lined up in several different hotel rooms and just go from one to the other. That explains the condoms in the suitcase when he returned. Oh in which he told me that they were handing out at the airport and he just took them and didn’t want to throw then in the trash so he put them in his suitcase. Yea…PL…yea.
This friend said that he almost lost his own girlfriend because of my then husband because we had all gone out to dinner one night, us 4. And once she actually met me and we talked and got to know each other, she then found out what he was doing behind my back. She was so disgusted that she told this friend that if he didn’t stop being friends with my then husband, that she wouldn’t date him anymore because she wasn’t going to have any part in that.
He went on to tell me how he threw parties at my house on the RARE occassion that I was out of town when he was supposed to be watching my little girl. He told me that he brings women to my house when I am gone at work, when he is supposed to be watching my daughter. Thank the Lord in heaven above that my little one was little at the time. I had to ask, do you know if they were in my bed? He couldn’t say for sure, but it didn’t matter at that point now did it? He told me he would lie to the women that came to my house, um obvious a woman lives there! But he would tell them that we were separated and lies and lies about how horrible I was. For some reason I guess that makes people feel better about cheating with other people. If the other person sucks then it’s okay to cheat.
Well anyway, that explains the hairties and hairclips that I found that I would try to convice myself that I bought or that just could possibly have been my Mom’s that she might have possibly left. Or a couple jackets that weren’t mine. That explains make up on the collar of his white shirts, girls all know what kind of makeup they use and what’s not theirs. And the lip stick, and the coming home late and going straight into the downstairs bathroom instead of coming upstairs to our bathroom. Lightbulb. Lightbulb.
A hard conversation, on Mother’s Day, a hard conversation. So many things were racing through my mind and finally I told him I couldn’t take anymore and I didn’t want to know anymore. That conversation turned my whole life and world and what I thought I knew completely upside down.
Questions have now been answered and that makes a difference. I know we will never be able to make sense of everything, but sometimes just making sense of some things helps us cope. Introduction: The Sex Addict.