The “D” Word

What is it with this depression thing? Thanks to my parents and a wonderful childhood, I never knew really that this word existed until my early 20’s. It seems like it happens to you when you least expect it, at least that’s how it was for me. I have been waving in and out of depression for years; fighting it like an open sore on my skin that keeps being picked at. I would keep asking myself, why am I feeling this way? What do I do with it? How do I get rid of it?

I grew up and came from such a strong relational and spiritual background, it took years for the depression to finally get a hold of me. I started noticing small changes in my spirit, and then I would deal with those. I would take the offenses against me and I would fight each one until I had released the person of the offense against me in forgiveness. That’s where the true freedom was. But then the offenses came on more frequently and more strongly and more openly, and with…no…remorse. Then I was getting blamed for the offenses against me. Years and years of build up and there were no breaks. I couldn’t get enough breaks to have moments to look into myself and find the break down and deal with each hurt and forgive before another offense would take place. They started piling on top of me until I couldn’t see anymore; it was over my head. Then became the great loss that sent me over the edge of depression close to despair which is the next stage. I was aware of where I was going and I didn’t want to go there. I fought it so hard. I fought it every day, talking to myself and feeding myself the truth. I don’t really know a harder battle in life, internally, than the battle of depression, then despair.

I believe depression is both chemical and spiritual. Can’t say which happened first, kind of like what came first, the chicken or the egg kind of thing. I believe sometimes depression can be dealt with using perscribed drugs, other times spiritually and other times a little of both; just depends on the person and the situation. I believe that the drugs can possibly allow some of us to get to a point where we can battle it spiritually because we have fallen too far away.

Depression is a lie. We must face it at full value. Loss takes from us, offenses take from us, hurt feelings take from us, evil takes from us, feelings of worthlessness and guilt take from us, death takes from us, broken relationships take from us. These are all reasons for us to be extremely sad and grieve and mourn. But the spirit of depression wants us to stay in these states of grief and mourning for more than the time that was once a healthy emotion, and turn it into something dehibilitating to our beings and our souls.

I guess I have always been a person that wanted to accomplish things on my own. Well, me and God. I know everything will come and go out of my life, but always in the end, it’s just me and God. I believe in God’s Word and I believe in following his word and that that will give me freedom. I saw my own belief in God’s Word and what he teaches about forgiveness and how it freed me from the offenses against me, and I felt the peace in my heart. My peace would increase and the feelings of depression would decrease. I could breathe again. But I am only human and that peace just didn’t last long enough before I had to go through the whole forgiveness cycle again.

Being with a sociopathic person is a toxic relationship; not just disfunctional, but toxic. It becomes almost impossible to set boundaries with a sociopathic person because they have no concept of what that even is. And how do you set boundaries in a marriage with a sociopathic person? Sociopathic people have allowed their conscience to be completely depleted and choked out by fully turning their face from God and allowing themselves to sink into their own depravity. I believe by an act of God, people who have lost or suffocated their conscience, can regain it through a miracle in God Almighty; but it is not a task for another human to manage.

There is a way out. There is a way to fight depression. Some of us will fight it for the rest of our lives. Some of us will overcome it for a time, but then life’s circumstances will bring it to the surface again for us to battle with another time. The last thing we want to do when we are struggling with depression is to reach out. We must reach out or we will be following in the path of despair. Once we get to a place of despair, we might never get out.

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